Some know they are writers from the very beginning. Maybe someone once told them they write like Doystoyevsky or Pushkin, Salinger or Hemingway. Maybe they put a pen to paper every day without fail. Maybe their mind thinks in stories, molding plot and climax and character development. Maybe they live these stories, too.
For me, writing was my way of coping, my way of getting by.
A lot of my friends have been having a hard time dealing with post-college life. It’s not easy–graduating only to face what’s real: 9-5 jobs, bills, your friends–usually within driving distance–dispersed across the map.
Although I’m a huge believer in change as potential good, I also understand that change is difficult. Change is bracing yourself for the worst, expecting the best, dealing with the consequences no matter what they be.
I first discovered that writing was my coping mechanism through writing (imagine that). I was in a memoirs class and my final piece is something I look back at every week to remind me why I write:
I figure the least I can do with all the bad in my life is try to turn it into something good. That’s why I write. Some days it works and others it doesn’t, but I never quit. I never let myself stop thinking that I can find hope. I let the words and memories spill out onto the table, twisting and winding around, coming to conclusions and asking questions of all sorts. I follow the unfamiliar paths, not knowing what thoughts each bend will provoke, but readying myself for answers, though sometimes they prove to be non-existent. And often times, I find myself spiraling around to where I began. That’s how the best pieces work— they circle around and everything comes together by the finish line. Somehow, through the strings of sentences and detail, the beginning and end point come to intersect.
I’m officially a huge ass for quoting myself, but I promise, I’m making a point here…
You see, writing has been such a motivation for me in the past couple months. Though I have more than one or two dissatisfactions in my life right now, the one thing I’m excelling at is writing. This works as a self-perpetuating cycle. The more unsettled I am, the more I write, and the more my writing is also fed by these unsettling experiences.
This led me to a very dangerous question last week (and one that I’m guessing ALL writers have at one point or another):
Are all writers tortured?
I was having a bad day at work, and had wandered into Borders during my break. Suddenly, I felt like crying. I was surrounded by all of these books and magazines and office supplies, and I thought, “I should be doing this. Not putting names into an excel spreadsheet.” But with this knowledge came a heavy feeling, a feeling like I wanted to take all of the glossy pages from the magazine racks and toss them about. Or better yet, steal them. Shove them in my purse.
“There are millions of books here. Millions of pages. Why can’t my name at least be on SOME of them? That’s all I’m asking.”
Something comforting to me–browsing the shelves of Borders–had become cruel. I couldn’t stand it. I had to get out.
At the same time, ideas for articles and memoirs and trips and reviews have literally been flowing with a sort of conscious drive. I see a woman looking sad in the metro–story idea. I read an old research paper–story idea. My boss mentions a new Foundation–story idea. Yet each of these experiences was something weighing down on me, making me miss home or school or the liberation of self-scheduling.
The more my life seemed to be falling apart, the more my writing seemed to be feeding off of it:
Are all writers tortured?
I don’t believe the answer to this question is “Yes.” Not at all. In fact, I’ve written about the opposite on this blog. Plenty of people can be happy and write, and plenty of people can write about happy things. Travel writing, if it’s taught me anything, has taught me this. Travel is fulfilling, but it has a depth to it. It’s also emotional, moving, and sometimes, seriously damn depressing.
My friend is in Indonesia right now, surrounded by intense poverty everyday. She has spontaneously broken in to tears multiple times since arriving, she recently told me in a mass update e-mail.
But you find good and bad in travel, just as every life experience, and in writing, you or me or any other writer is able to synthesize these juxtaposed feelings into a 3-4 page memoir or article.
I used to think I could turn anything into a 3-4 page memoir. Now I realize, it takes the positive and negative to do so. Just like a good reporter knows, nothing is one-sided.
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As I wrote last week, I’ve been trying to decide how to invest the money I’ve made writing back into my future. I thought it was a “rational, practical” investment. The truth is, it’s something that will make me happy. Writing makes me happy. And seeing a site where all of my writing is compiled, looking all pretty and poetic, will make me happy too. As will traveling. As will taking a course–forcing myself to make time for what I love. (Alexis, there is your answer. I need to do ALL of those things. But the time line is continual; I can’t expect them to all happen tomorrow…but soon).
Hobbies also make people happy–running, collecting, organizing, singing. Hobbies are a way to cope, to fill the time that could instead be spent dwelling or holing oneself up like a hermit.
I’m lucky enough to have writing–something that allows me to simultaneously be ecstatic and set aside things that are bugging me: real world burdens and incurable illnesses and natural disasters and red tape blocking off food and clean water from getting to victims of natural disaster–the fact that people are victimized at all–and not being able to fix any of those things.
But I can fix them when I write somehow. I can fix them in my own way, and that is what makes writing more than a hobby or a coping mechanism or a little bit of extra cash. That makes writing a good day. That makes writing a feeling, a way of life, a balance between good and bad, a knowledge that life will always be a little bit of each one.
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Is writing YOUR coping mechanism? If so, why do you think that is?
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Twitter: alexisgrant
February 12, 2010 at 3:38 am
Hey — I really enjoyed this post. It’s so HONEST. Your writing feels natural to read, which is so important.
About the writers being tortured… I’ve written for years (as a journalist) and never felt like this. It was my job to write, so I got it done. But now that I’m hanging out (mostly in the blogosphere) with other writers, I feel “tortured” sometimes. So I tend to think this is because I’m told I’m supposed to be! But isn’t everyone tortured in some way or another? Not just writers. In fact, I tend to think we’ve got it good because we have a way to let it all out, a cheap form of therapy.
I can hear the passion in your post, how much potential you’ve got… And the best way to let that out is to channel it into doing what you love (yay! i love that!) whenever you’re not making spreadsheets
This is actually a huge theme in my book — that it’s worth taking a leap in life to follow a dream. We all make excuses (you’re not doing that here, thank goodness!) so that we don’t have to take those leaps, but most of those obstacles are self-imposed, even if we don’t realize it. I could go on and on about this, but what I’m saying is: you seem to know what your dream is, so keep following it!
You are seriously great. I’m so glad to have found your blog/twitter/connected via all that good stuff in the social media realm. It’s really cool to have someone whose actually “lived the dream” tell me that it was worth it and I can keep following and get there – so thanks!
I think part of me feeling tortured in the here and NOW as a writer is that I am so straining to be one despite 9-5, financial commitments, etc. that force me to be patient–when in reality, I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait. I’m feeling STUCK because of those things–this leads to enhanced moments of upset-ness, and thus, the writing flows. I don’t know if they’re interconnected. Carlo Alcos recently wrote a really good post about thinking about writing even when something terrible is occurring. It’s like that: our minds are set up to function differently. We’re constantly ticking, winding things around to form memoirs, features, stories–with that, we realize there’s good and bad.
But if there’s going to be both… don’t we innately NEED the bad? This is completely stream of consciousness, but I’m just throwing it out there as a question. I think this feeds into your realization/comment that we’re also a leg up–as writers, we DO have a way to cope. This is partially what I’m also getting at here. I wrote this post in response to a friend’s own struggle (I recently told her she needs a hobby), and realized how lucky I was myself that I had something I can independently seek out that makes me happy
I will be one of those people counting the days until your book is published. You can count on that!
Side note: is it socially acceptable to write a novel of a comment on your own blog?
Twitter: alexisgrant
February 12, 2010 at 4:25 am
HA! I was wondering whether it was socially acceptable to write back what probably should be written as an e-mail! But I do think it’s okay because others can learn from our conversation.
Why do you feel stuck? Why are you attached to that job? Do you need to save money before you can travel/write? Or want to have several years of job experience on your resume before you do what you really want to do? Are you REALLY working toward your goal — aka saving the money you need — or just spinning your wheels? I can FEEL how much you want this — I think you need to figure out how to make it happen. Or at least feel like you’re working toward making it happen.
Oh, I have an idea… Gonna dig something up for you…
Twitter: alexisgrant
February 12, 2010 at 4:28 am
Short excerpt from my manuscript, because I think it will really speak to you… Part of a convo I had with a waitress in South Africa.
“Even if I had the guts to travel by myself, I could never take a long trip like that,” she said. “I’ve got my job, night classes, a car to pay for. It’d be impossible.”
I’d heard that before. Since I’d decided to travel, lots of people – friends, colleagues and people I’d met on the road – had told me they’d love to do what I was doing but could never swing it. They had too many responsibilities, they said. Paying the mortgage. Working toward a promotion. Not enough money. What they didn’t understand was that most of those obligations – ones that kept them from traveling or following any dream – resulted from their own choices. We all chose responsibilities to uphold a certain lifestyle. And breaking free requires sacrifice – maybe giving up the condo, eating at home to save money, or for me, leaving a job I loved. It’s not easy. But if you want that dream badly enough, you can make it happen.
Twitter: alexisgrant
February 12, 2010 at 4:34 am
P.S. I realize your post is about coping. But your underlying desire is SO THERE! Screaming to be let out!
Hmmmm — writer’s torture. Or “They Don’t Throw People with Writer’s Block in GITMO, Do They?”
I don’t write because I feel tortured, though I do get an immense sense of relief when I finish something. I write because I think I’ve got something interesting to say or that I’ve observed and believe I can put it in a way that makes people want to read it. Like I assume everyone has that actually writes with an aspiration of having thousands of people read it — I think I’m kinda good at it.
That being said, my particular torture, and inspiration, comes from reading people that are so clearly better at it than I am (on the other hand, there are a bunch that I’ve read where I think — “THEY got this published? Clearly, I should be able to get mine in print). When I read Theroux or Pico Iyer or Jan Morris or Bruce Chatwin or the others that I look up to, I do feel a bit tortured. Tortured in that my prose and my eye does not match up to theirs.
Seperately, you mentioned ‘needing the bad.’ Of course we do. The bad in life frames the good. It gives scope to one’s life. A blissful Nirvana would be excruciatingly boring.
O yea — and I write all of that and don’t flog my own blog to everyone. See?? I might not be made-out for this writing for a living thing.
http://www.mobilelawyer.blogspot.com
hahaha, probably an underlying them in all of my writing from now until…it doesn’t have to be!
Thanks again for all of this. Happy reading (my e-mail)!
Thanks for the insights, Michael. It’s really interesting to see the different ways people interpreted this question! Wow.
I didn’t even think of the type of torture that comes from reading others’ work (both better and worse; although I think it’s all a matter of taste in the end!). I definitely feel some of that–like my anecdote in Borders. It was torturous for me to sit there, surrounded by writing–something I so desperately wanted to be apart of!
I guess maybe that ‘needing the bad’ comment was stating the obvious, huh? True like would be PRETTY damn boring without the bad.
I think maybe there is a misinterpretation here–a sort of which came first the chicken or the egg?
Are we writers because we’re tortured? Or are we tortured because we’re writers? Both? Neither?
My point here was that last week there was a point where the question, “Are all writers tortured?” popped into my head. Humans are tortured. We torture ourselves internally by over-thinking, not going after our dreams, lots of things. So obviously on the most basic level: yes! (but honestly, this is just getting awfully dreary and depressing, right?)
My feeling was that the more unhappy I was, the more story ideas were streaming into my mind. That fact was beginning to startle me–mostly because in general, I am an extraordinarily happy and upbeat person!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Happy to hear from an unfamiliar face here!
Another side note: it is late and I am beginning to ramble. For that, I apologize!
Today is the day for reading about topics that have been at the forefront of my mind. There is some serious connection happening. First it was Julie’s article on freelancing and $$ http://cuadernoinedito.wordpress.com/. Now this.
I have absolutely been there! Standing in a bookstore feeling overwhelmed and wanting my name to just BE on those books and articles. Feeling the same way in the blogosphere lately too, and planning to write a post about it this weekend. I’ve been a little absent from my blog because my feelings are starting to tip toward tortured…
More directly related to the question – the first time I wrote regularly and passionately in my life (though I had always considered myself a writer) was when I was very tortured in a small isolated country. I thought I had finally found “it.” Then I came home and felt happy again and conveniently forgot to write in favor of outings and socializing and getting out there and doing things…so interesting.
I could write a novel-comment on this topic, as my mind is abuzz with thoughts. I think I’ll leave it at that and try so hard to compile a coherant, thoughtful post on it this weekend.
Just know that tortured or not, you’re in a community that is collectively feeling all of this together. I know the fears/questions/frustrations I’m feeling are not mine alone. That helps.
Thanks, Carina. That DOES help. Just knowing you understood bits and pieces of this and where I’m coming from. Totally.
I love days when everything comes together–different posts, etc. So telling.
You writing regularly in a small isolated country is a perfect example of this. I’m sure you were so aware of all the good and bad–just what writers need to balance perspective on life and what they write.
Love to hear more from you anytime
Twitter: shantiwallah
February 14, 2010 at 12:49 am
The first comment by Alexis expressed exactly what I was going to say. I think all people are “tortured” in one way or another but writers get to process that on paper. Perhaps we even dwell on it to a point because of this. I’m not sure. There is certainly a strong discrepancey between doing what you have to and doing what you love. But I believe this distinction is even harder for those of us whose love is a creative endeavour such as writing.
I don’t know if this is the same for others, but for me, writing (or taking photos, or creating something with my hands, etc.) occurs in a space where my mind is free to fly around and dodge in an out of ideas and time is somewhat stretchy. But if I have to do a more linear job, like your data entry (which is my idea of hell and I’ve sooo been there!) I pretty much go mental because repetition and form filling do not leave your mind the kind of flying space that is needed by creative thinkers.
I should clarify that I don’t believe people are either creative thinkers or not, but that it’s more of a sliding scale. However, if you are way down at one end I think it’s pretty hard to make the jobs at the other end fit.
I’m at the same point as you, it seems, as far as getting ready to drop all those other things that have been distracting us from our writing. It’ll be great to keep in touch along the journey. I’ll surely keep an eye on your blog from now on!
“This distinction is even harder for those of us whose love is a creative endeavour such as writing”
*YES. This just totally hits the nail on the head. I’m so glad you mentioned it. Maybe not something I was actually conscious of, but it’s so true. Maybe it’s why I have an even harder time w. corporate America than my friends.
I also agree about the spectrum of creativity, and think it ties to the above quote.
Happy to have another reader and commiserater in this process! Thanks for dropping by and sticking around.
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!